Bonding With Your Older Child

Giving hugs, kissing scraped knees and playing games are all it takes to make parents heroes in their young children's eyes. The world is a big place, and parents make it feel cozy and safe. The parent-child bond is clear and unwavering.

As children grow older, however, parents often feel that this bond fades. Especially in the pre-teen and teenage years, children can become increasingly independent and decreasingly affectionate. Special moments may slip away, and strife escalates. Parents long for the years when they were the apples of their children's eyes.

All is not lost. This is a natural part of development, and even in the most frustrating times, your child still loves you (even if she shouts in anger that she does not).

Frustrated parents and adolescents can regain the bond that once was. The effort may seem enormous, and the child may be resistant, but special times can exist again.

Try to engage your child in activities that interest you both. A day at the spa, a baseball game and a trip to the movie theater are hard to resist at any age.

Sometimes compromise is in order. You may hate baseball, but think about the fun you'll have eating popcorn and peanuts while rooting for the home team side by side with your child.

Take interest in your child's activities. If your child plays sports, attend as many games as possible to cheer for the team. If your child has an art show or dance recital, be there to show your support.

Family traditions, religious or secular, can help cement the bond between parent and child at any age. Opening presents at Christmas is not limited to preschoolers. Teenagers and adults can also enjoy the holiday tradition. Weekly Sabbath dinners can be a special time together. A yearly trip to an amusement park can bring out everyone's inner child. Thursdays can be family game night.

Keep in mind that as your child grows older, he may become resistant to your efforts. He may want to skip out on family movie night. She may be embarrassed by your attendance at her tennis game. Talk to your child. Keep the lines of communication open to understand each other's feelings. Let him know why these special times are important to you. Perhaps he's bored, because you're watching movies that don't interest him. Ask why she's embarrassed when you show up at her game. Perhaps her friends giggle when you show up at her school dressed in "mom jeans," or when you try too hard to be "one of the girls." This does not mean you need to give up your efforts. Instead, try adjusting your activities to better incorporate both your interests and her feelings.

Although bonding with your child is important, avoid suffocating him. Be realistic. You can't expect a teenager to spend every free moment with you. Your child is growing up and becoming increasingly independent, a positive step towards adulthood. Your guidance, love, and even discipline are still essential. But realize that some space is in order. The combination of being there for your child while knowing when to step back and let go will keep your relationship healthy and strong.

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