Separation Anxiety

Newborns can be fussy customers with strong preferences regarding formula, pacifiers, swaddling, sleep and other daily fundamentals. Rarely, however, does a newborn give much thought as to who is holding him. Sure, he feels safe and warm with mom or dad, but chances are he’s perfectly content to curl up in Aunt Maddie’s arms.

As they grow into older infants, however, many develop a personality trait that surprises and baffles their parents. It might begin with subtle signs. Your baby frets when you hand him to your friend or whines when you step out of sight. Instead of going to sleep with hardly a peep, she sits up and cries the moment you put her in her crib. Her neediness and attachment to you may seem extreme. She may demand that you hold her constantly or sob uncontrollably when you’re not with her.

Your baby is experiencing separation anxiety, a common phase. It often begins in the second half of the first year, when the concept of object permanence begins to emerge. Before then, as far as he knew, you ceased to exist the moment you were out of your baby’s sight. Now, he’s realizing that when you leave, you’re somewhere else and not with him. He wants you back, and since he has no sense of time, he doesn’t know when or even if you’ll return.

It’s a period of mixed emotions. Part of you is warmed by her love for you. But you’re also frustrated. You need time to yourself, and her intense attachment is wearing you thin.

Not all babies experience separation anxiety. When they do, it’s usually a phase lasting for only a few months or even less. After this time, children begin to understand that you’ll return, and this concept soothes them when you’re out of sight. In some cases, separation anxiety can linger into or return in the toddler years. It’s often worse when your child is sick or hurt. Regardless of how long this phase lasts, it can seem like an eternity.

Although a normal part of development, following are steps you can take to ease your child through this difficult phase:

Introduce a transitional object such as a blanket or stuffed animal (make sure there are no choking hazards). Your child may not immediately become attached to the object, but keep trying. Offer it any time he’s upset. Hold it when you’re holding him. Leave it in his crib (for safety reasons, keep the object fairly small for a young baby). Eventually it will become a familiar object to comfort him in your absence.

Play peek-a-boo. Hide behind a doorway for increasing lengths of time, then pop back out with a big hello. These games will help her understand that when you leave her sight you’re not gone forever.

Don’t make a fuss when you leave. If you cry and linger, he’ll feed off your emotions. If mommy’s upset and scared, why shouldn’t he be? Don’t sneak out, but give a quick goodbye and walk out while his caregiver engages him with toys.

Separation anxiety can be upsetting, but it won’t last forever. In fact, relish this time while it lasts. Someday, your baby will be an independent teenager, and you may long for the time when she wouldn’t let you out of her sight.

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